and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
