Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
he thought i was a dude.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
