Will you blow on my dice?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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