Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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