you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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