phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
