Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
