1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
