I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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