Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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