I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
