She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
