On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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