nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
