He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
