Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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