why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
