Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
