The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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