dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
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