In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
