Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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