I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
