His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
