That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i wish my penis had a tongue
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
