i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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