Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
