Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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