They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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