Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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