Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
