so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
