The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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