A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
