this boner is exhausting
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
