That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
