Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
