When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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