i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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