I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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