My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
