sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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