She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
