what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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