I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
