Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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