my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
