At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
