would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
