It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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