so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
